Margianta Surahman Juhanda Dinata’s Story
Living With ADHD and Anxiety: A Journey Within
I've always wanted to be a better person — not just for myself, but also for everyone around me. By becoming a better person, I believe I can help to co-create a world where people support each other. This simple wish has guided my work in the development sector, even as I grappled with personal challenges that I couldn't understand for years.
Growing up with domestic violence left lasting impacts for me. When others called me dramatic, they didn't see the frozen scene of my childhood in my head: a scared child locked in his room, crying in fear after being severely beaten by an adult. This early ‘scarred’ experience of mine has shaped how I would later approach life and relationships that I build with people.
Fast forward decades later, thanks to my early involvement in social movement since highschool, I have managed to make clear paths of who I want to become in life. I would dedicate myself to a lot of work with non-profits, and align myself with activities that represent my values and beliefs. On the surface, my professional life seemed to be flourishing - I spoke at international forums, worked with inspirational changemakers, and started movements that influenced policies. But behind all the spotlights and publicities, I struggled with my inner self. At times, I would immerse myself completely in advocacy work, fighting for social justice, tobacco control, workers' rights, and even mental health.
Nevertheless, at the end of the day, I would shut down. I’m overwhelmed by my racing thoughts and inability to stay present. I keep overanalyzing things and asking endless questions, like “What’s next? This won’t last, better prepare for the worst. What’s behind all this? How did it happen? Maybe this would be good, but that would be impossible. How should I continue?”
On and on, my curiosity and ideas had no end—which seemed like a good thing—but I just knew it wasn’t a usual thing. I was driven by fear and restlessness. My mind became the busiest spot in my whole world, and it literally blew me out of proportion. Living day by day was an exhausting journey from the moment I woke up, to the moment I slept very late with my mind wide awake. Eventually, basic tasks and deadlines became my constant challenges. I had all the energy and time in the world to finish them, but I can’t seem to do it all without an extra adrenaline of doing it near the deadlines, or in some days I just felt ‘trapped’ in my room, with some invisible chains holding me down.
When I entered college, my self-awareness heightened. For six years from 2016-2022 I kept a mental health journal that I brought everywhere I went. I first bought it from a bookstore in 2016, and started writing in a convenience store by a busy street. It's a small black book, and I wrote a fictional dystopian story in a 3rd person perspective in it. I would occasionally draw in some of the pages too. The small black book had turned into a safe haven for my inner turmoil. The dark Kafkaesque stories and the black and white drawings in the book had become a way to express what I couldn't say aloud. I would continue to write and draw in the black book, until one day I figured that there are ways to deal with my restless self and racing thoughts with other ways.
In 2019 UNICEF Leading Minds Conference in Florence, I met other mental health advocates from around the world. They have opened my perspective by sharing their personal lived experience in facing mental health challenges. Despite being able to discuss mental health professionally with them, I hadn't yet sought professional help for myself. For years, I continued pushing forward, driven by my passion in youth advocacy, health, and social change. My work experiences have taught me valuable lessons, but it all came at a personal cost. The intensity of my work and the risks it entails, while meaningfully fulfilling, have left me burned out and increasingly anxious.
It wasn't until 2021 that I finally gathered the courage to start seeking a professional counsellor in Jakarta. This decision became my turning point, as it provided me a safe space for me to reflect deeper about myself and the struggles I have been personally facing for years. After many counselling sessions, I had a clearer path toward becoming a better version of myself that doesn’t sacrifice my mental wellbeing. The counseling sessions have also given me the clarity to finally finish my mental health journal and publish it with the title 'Self' — a very fitting title for my personal self-journey from all these years. I decided to publish ‘Self’ with the hope that it might help others who are facing similar struggles like me.
In 2024, while studying at Chulalongkorn University in Bangkok, I took another important step by using the university's mental health services. Thanks to my campus’ impressive mental health facility, I was able to receive mental health counseling both from a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Eventually, in December 2024 I received my first official diagnoses: I have ADHD and anxiety.
Looking back, these struggles make more sense now. ADHD affects how our brain processes information and manages tasks. It's why I often felt overwhelmed by deadlines, struggled with organization, and found my mind racing from one thought to another. The anxiety disorder, likely intensified by my childhood experiences, manifested as constant worry and overthinking in my mind. Anxiety makes me overthink every decision with too much carefulness, especially those that are unfamiliar to me. While ADHD has made it hard for me to focus and complete tasks on a daily basis.
Rather than feeling limited by these diagnoses, I felt relieved—finally understanding patterns that had been present throughout my life. My personal journey with ADHD and anxiety has uniquely positioned me to serve as a Council Member for Being Initiative, where I help ensure diverse perspectives are reflected in strategic decision-making for youth mental health. The daily challenges I face - from racing thoughts and task management difficulties to anxiety-driven overthinking - have deepened my understanding of mental health needs, particularly in young people. This lived experience, combined with my professional background in youth advocacy, allows me to bring authentic insights to Being's mission of improving young people's mental wellbeing in Low and Middle-Income Countries. When reviewing funding priorities or evaluating mental health initiatives, my personal struggles help me to address the complexity of young people’s mental health and the attention it needs, especially in regards to their lived experience.
At the end of the day, living with ADHD and anxiety has taught me to be kinder to myself. My racing thoughts, while challenging, drive my passion for social change. My emotional sensitivity helps me understand others' struggles more deeply. These conditions aren't just challenges to overcome - they're part of who I am, influencing both my struggles and my strengths in advocacy work.
Today, I continue working for social justice with better self-awareness. Understanding my mental health has helped me develop better coping strategies and work habits. More importantly, it's shown me that acknowledging our challenges isn't weakness - it's the first step toward growth and more effective advocacy for others.
For young changemakers especially, taking care of our mental health isn't optional - it's essential for creating lasting positive change in the world. By understanding and accepting ourselves fully, we become better equipped to help others do the same.
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